ILOVEMESHALLOW: How to do army right

Unlike fug clogs, I totally get behind the army trend going on this season. Well, it never really goes out, but it's especially relevant rightthissecond.

Cliffs notes:

1. Real surplus is not fashion.

2. Don't go overly literal (i.e. olive drab jacket AND imitation combat boots AND tan pants).

3. Mix with feminine details and accessories. If you don't you will fail and look like "angry teenager punk rawk" or "communist hippy douchebag fail."

Full rundown:

Firstly, let's discuss the real thing. The stuff you get from surplus stores. I'm not panning surplus stores for the stuff you can get there. You can find swell kit for camping, hunting, hiking etc. However, the kit itself is the stuff human beings fight and die in. It's not fashion wear. It's not appropriate to wear it as fashion and especially not appropriate for a political statement of any kind. People who wear real army kit as some kind of political statement really don't realize how juvenile and tacky that is. Go write a letter or something.

Secondly, let's discuss fit and quality. 99% of the real surplus looks tres unchic on women. Even the stuff dubbed "unisex" is not really. Trust. Anyone in the Canadian Forces will tell you that the issued "unisex" underwear is mens with an inclusive name. Not that it's not comfy for girls, its just not sexy. I digress. Beyond the issue with fit, it's often made from fabric that is cheap and uncomfortable. Anything government issued gets contracted to the lowest bidder, so you're getting what the government paid for. 'Nuff said. I'm not panning the Canadian Forces kit, because it's some of the best in the world, but it's not FASHION. The cut/fabric/style is great for trudging through swamps, but its NOT FOR LOOKING SEXY. Unless your name is Nick Butler.*

*Inside joke. I'm currently laughing to myself. I don't care if you don't get it.

How to get put on my site under the "doin it rite" category:

Model Lily Donaldson gettin' it rite over at Vanessa Jackman's Blog. Wear with jewelry for the win. As I write this I'm wearing my iteration of this look, which I'll discuss more in depth in the part on doin it rite for the plebs.

You can do oversized olive drab without looking like a punk rawk douche/angry teenager by pairing it with skinny jeans, a distressed boyfriend style or loose slacks. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not go too literal. If you're going to do the green jacket you can pair it with black boots, just not the type that reference combat styles too overtly.

Something like this:

This Alexander Wang gets the toughness right without being too literal a take on combat boots via Jak & Jil. Please, please don't do it with Doc Martens. I have a pair and love them, but they are still too literal looking if you're going to do it with anything in the colour olive drab. Docs look best with something girly.

Alex Chung gettin' it 'specially rite because she wears a piece that references the trend while not taking it in a direction far off from literal. Also, it's a really fresh take on tweed which I all but discounted for this season.

And she's NOT wearing it with clogs Win. I would have defaced this picture Perez Hilton style if she had.

P.s. You know what is even more fresh than olive drab? Arid pattern. The colour of the stuff our girls and boys wear in the 'Stan. Not the literal pattern (fug, not for fashion), but the colour itself. I've seen a lot of the olive drab (reference all above), but not a whole lot in tan. I'll do a post when I round up enough swell examples.

Moving on...

HOW TO DO IT FOR THE PLEBS

Now I know the whole world are not models or Alexa Chung, so let's do this reality style. Shop Bop for the win!

Before we get started anything to do with this look needs some fierce shades.

The olive drab jacket NOT from a surplus store:

Alternatives to the olive drab jacket. You can get the look without going so literal on the trend.

A lot of ladymags are saying trenches are relevant right now. I'm not totally buying it unless you get one in a very current proportion. I don't even love this example, but I couldn't find a better on Shopbop.

Love, love, love. Drapey and really references the look without being overdone.

What do I wear with my olive drab jacket?

Dresses soften and feminize the look:

This one in particular adds a tribal feel which goes really well with army by both toning it down (no, not an oxymoron) and brightening it at the same time. Hot. What's great about olive drab is, like jean, it goes with everything. You can do almost anything under an olive drab jacket.

Or jeans. This is best done best with a simple t. More on that later.

If you're going to do the olive drab jacket with jeans try it with a simple t or tank.

If your jeans are NOT distressed too much, you can do a slashed up t shirt. Doing it all together looks like you just stumbled out of a blender. You're going for the "fresh out of combat look", not the "fresh out of the kitchen aid look." Who the fuck am I kidding? I am sooooo going to rock my slashed up t with my slashed up boyfriend jenas. Just not with my olive drab jacket. That's too much.

I have the bad boy on the left. Yes, I paid 70USD for a ripped t shirt. SHUT UP CARA.

The pant. Don't you dare fucking do it combined with either an olive drab jacket or combat boots. Don't fuck with me. I have a gun. Not kidding.*

*It's licensed and registered and blady blah-blah.

Drapey low riders for the win!

Please dont try this if you have short legs or are on the bigger side.

Same as above goes for these bad boys. The "don't be fat in these pants" part is especially relevant here. Combat pockets are very, very hard to pull off. Especially on that part of ladythighs.

Casual and chic

I actually like this pattern. It's way hotter than CADPAT. Google it if you don't know what the fuggery I'm talking about. Also, don't eat for about 2 weeks before you put these on.

These are tricky to pull off, but I've seen it done. Don't try it if you're a fashion amateur. Or fat.

If you want to take the look upscale or to work. Clearly taking this to work is dependent on what you do. O.b.v.i.o.u.s.l.y.

I love a good drapey pant. I'm yet to find one that doesn't make me look fat. If you can't do drapey try the more tailored look on the right.

What do I wear with my army pants? Funny you should ask.

Blouses for the win. Loose is the right proportion with skinny pants, obviously bitches.

I kind of really like the dirty pants/dirty shirt thing this chicka has going on. Add serious studded heels and you're golden. And hot.

Or these if you don't want to look like you just rolled out of a trench:

This is harder to pull off, but you can try. Don't blame me if you fail. I warned you bitches. It would look best with a skirt as shown or a high wasted pair of slacks that cover the bottom part of the shirt up to the cutouts.

If you're doing very ~~dressy~~ skanky, or going to pick up at my and Mike's favorite bar Parkdale Drink:

You CAN do this if:

1. Your bod is hot. Don't kid yourself either bitch.

2. You have naturally dark skin or a good (i.e. not orange) tan.

3. You don't over accessorize. Yours tits and abs are all the adornment you need honey.

4. You wear it with slouchy olive drab pants and SERIOUS fuck me heels. We'll go over that later.

5. You have SOMETHING to go over it in case your boss or coworkers walk in. Example below.

Alternatively you can just drop the olive drab pant or jacket thing and just rock this dress for the win:

I'd add a skinny belt to this baby and wicked heels like those bitches pictured.

Why I say "never say never". I usually flat out pan anything camo pattern as tacky, but this is actually really cute. Wear with strappy heels and bold jewelry to stay off my shitlist. Also don't wear it to a hunting convention. Though I don't know why you'd ever want to go to one of those.

Behold, SHOE PORN:

How to do "combat" style boots, sans blisters or the tacky.

Do not combine this with too literal a green jacket, pants or camo dress. That is too much and = fail.

First, fail:

This iteration is too literal. If you MUST tuck the fucking shoelaces into the top and out of sight. You will thank me later. Trust this bitch knows what she's doing.

If you must do the combat boot style, please don't do it too literally. Behold:

ZEXY SHOE PORN FOR THE WIN. This is what yours truly thinks goes best with army style.

Alexander Wang for the win:

Open toe booties of sexyness.

Strappy and high for the win!

Like the tribal dress this tribal shoe will tone down the "toughness" of the army look. This one, because it's low cut, would work with pants of all lengths or dresses. This is because it won't cut off the length of your leg. A shoe or bootie that goes to the height of your ankle will most often shortens bare legs. Short legs for the fail!

ACCESSORIZE BITCHES, ACCESSORIZE:

If your outfit is not already loud. Just not all at once.

If your outfit is already loud go understated. Not all at once bitches:

Understated for the win!

This thin cuff is Flutter by Jill Golden. I have some pieces from her collections and they are FOR THE WIN. Trust. Great quality too and handmade in New York.

These little studs are so unexpected and cute. Also, they are pyramids. Combined with an army look it totally shouts Six Day War. History student fashion references for the WIN. I knew my arts education was useful for something.

FO' CARRYIN' YO SHIT 'ROUND.

Every crazy awesome bitch needs a good bag. Also, check out the ones I got wet all over for from Chloe for a less literal idea.